Other Oriented Approach
In intimacy
The first years of our life, we are in survival mode. With mind not developed, we instinctively look for safe zone. We are instinctively quite selfish.
Then the next few years we start including people who are like us, we make friends of our type, usually same sex peers and friends. Remember, we have also been through a phase where we don’t like to be in the group of opposite sex.
Boys playing together and girls playing together. We have little expanded our horizon, were we include like people beyond our family.
Then the phase starts where we start getting attracted to the opposite sex, a major portion of it is sub-conscious. Likely, to remain for a long time to come. We are now including someone who is not like us. We are now included more. And with marriage, it is like we include a new person and his/her family as well.
And again after few more years, we go beyond our family and include the entire community. You are in an influential position and help the wider community and have a purpose, where you are a benefit to them.
Maturity increases with age, ideally! You become more and more other-oriented. Unfortunately, many now, do age chronologically, but psychologically are still in their first few years. Most still remain selfish.
This selfishness is carried in intimate relationship too. And the whole thing starts with what will I get? and continues to be so, unless they get a breakthrough.
Intimacy, however is all about other-oriented-approach. Intimacy is where your partner, his/her, joy & likes, is what is important. Both have this responsibility. However, the dynamics of how a man enjoys and how a woman enjoys are very different.
‘Givers gain’. Life is an echo. Give love and you will get love. Give joy and you will get joy.
Let it start with selfishness! Somewhere down the line understand the futility of being selfish. Sooner the better. Even if it is just intellectual in the beginning. It will soon become experiential also. You start giving, and you will see the magic starting. Partner will re-ciprocrate and will start giving in the relationship.
Such a couple will soon, transcend!
Who in the couple should give first?
This question is futile in the higher sense. As there is no ‘two’!
But at the down-to-earth level, it is the person who is mature and understanding would be the first to give, in the relationship.
What should i exactly do?
Of course, this is all philosophical if you lack the actual knowledge, skills, technique, sequence and higher purpose.
For men
Intimacy for women starts with trust, appreciation, love and emotional connect. She should feel safe and secure. A long foreplay, a sensitive arousal, slowly taking her to her peak of orgasm, and a good afterplay. Small issues like nagging, mood swings etc. will just drop off from the system. Your woman will be calmer, her hormones will be balanced, she will be on high for long.
For Women
Men love to be encouraged and appreciated. Boosting their ego is a good idea. This increases their confidence both inside and outside. They also love it, when their woman initiates. Unlike woman, it may not be that elaborate. It is a skill to keep man high without taking him to climax.
Even otherwise, in any relationship, have the other-oriented approach and you will see magic happening. In intimate relationship it is will create miracles!